Hello, My Name is Chuck Norris

I’ve been on the Paleo diet for nine weeks now, and apparently the word “Paleo” is Greek for “personality transplant”.

I never knew that inside of me was a repressed runner. Also, a morning person.

In addition, “paleo” has a second meaning: “Eat only items that taste like poop”.

Basically, if the “food” (and I use that word loosely) has enough bacteria to make your colon grow legs and escape your body, by all means, consider eating it.

Fermented foods are especially encouraged. The recipe for fermentation is as follows:

Put water (from the creek in the back yard preferred, toilet optional*), veggies, and salt (according to taste) in a jar. Sit jar on counter for at least six weeks, or until the smell kills the dog.*

Once the fermentation is complete and you have partaken, you will either:

  1. Sleep for six days then wake up as Chuck Norris
  2. Go to the Emergency Room
  3. Run a marathon

In all seriousness, this diet has transformed my life. I went from a chronically fatigued mom to a woman whose toddler begs for “nigh nigh” before I’m ready to wrap up the day.

 Hello: my name is Bekah, and I am not selling any diet products in this column. Unless the cabbage industry is secretly slipping money under the table for me to tell you that sauerkraut is an amazing fermented veggie you can make on your countertop…

*Do not follow this recipe. It is a joke.

***

Bekah Hamrick Martin is a writer who can be reached at www.facebook.com/bekahhamrickmartin, unless she’s seeing a psychologist for her personality transplant.

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