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Six Ways to Help Your Daughter Heal
With the release of The Bare Naked Truth, my secret’s out. Along with about 30% of American women, I know the agony of sexual abuse.
But the high statistic doesn’t make the pain any less personal for me.
I’m not a psychiatrist, but I can tell you what’s helped me heal.
When your daughter has deep emotional pain, try these ideas…
1. No advice. Your daughter has all the head knowledge she needs. Right now her emotions are overwhelming her intellect.
2. Hold her. If it feels safe to her, ask if you can put your arm around her. Let her talk, let her be silent, or let her tears rain. If touch frightens her, simply ask if you can place your hand on hers instead of putting your arm around her.
3. Ask if you can take her pain. This will feel weird to ask, but working with multiple sexual abuse victims, I have seen it work again and again. You cannot be emotionally detached and have this work. You really have to be willing to “go there” and be okay with her weeping in your arms. But in the midst of that weeping, she will transfer much of her pain to you. And she will feel lighter.
4. Shed the guilt. This is not your fault. You might tell yourself over and over again that you could have done something different to keep this from happening. You can torment yourself with this thought, but the truth is–we live in a fallen world, and that’s not your fault. If you’re having a difficult time working through these feelings, talk with a friend or counselor.
5. Seek professional advice. No cost is too much to help your daughter heal. But I can tell you the best therapy I’ve had is through a non-profit pastoral counselor who has a gift for helping the abused. Contact me if you’d like more information.
5. Check in. Let her know you haven’t forgotten. She will have ups and downs, but the biggest part of helping your daughter heal is letting her know she’s not alone.
It’s A… BOOK!
It has been a crazy couple of weeks!
The book officially released one week ago tomorrow, and today it hit the #1 hottest new release spot on Amazon for spirituality/teens. The Kindle version currently inhabits the #3 spot!
I really believe in the message of this book, and I can’t thank you enough for helping me get the word out to teens who are hurting.
If you’re wondering how you can be a part of my amazing grassroots team, here are 8 ways to help an author!
Bare Naked Q & A
- Tell us about your journey and what led you to write a purity book for teens.
I wouldn’t call it so much of a “purity” book as a “waiting” or “start waiting” book. (The word purity’s on the cover so book store owners will know where to place the book on the shelf.)
The Bare Naked Truth really started over ten years ago when every conversation I had in camp ministry eventually came back to the topic of dating or waiting. It’s an age-old dilemma, but none of the girls I worked with felt like it was being approached in a modern or relevant way.
- What makes The Bare Naked Truth different than other books in stores with a purity message?
The tone of the book is satirical–something the MTV Generation understands. I love the fact that over 20 different authors contributed their voices and stories in order to appeal to girls of every background!
- Throughout your book, you share the testimonies, struggles and lessons from various people. What insights did you gain from their stories?
I learned (once again) that God is able to redeem ANYTHING. I knew this from my own past, which was difficult to write about, but the fact that so many women were bare naked honest in the book just makes it so much more real. I love seeing how God is bigger than anything Satan throws at us.
- What’s one thing you wish someone would’ve told you when you were a teenager?
Your past doesn’t define you. Your “purity” is not your worth. I was taken advantage of as a child in every way you can imagine. That’s why I actually shy away from the word “purity”, because I don’t like the fact that a girl who has made less-than-great decisions or been taken advantage of can be made to feel less-than. No matter what your past, you are now in Christ. And that’s all God sees when He looks at you. That’s what I wish I had felt in my heart.
- What are practical steps girls can apply to their everyday lives to remain pure?
Decide beforehand what your boundaries are. Don’t wait until the heat of the moment. Then, find a mentor who stands behind what you’ve decided and will help you be strong in your decisions!
- You offer quizzes, questions or space for reflection at the end of each chapter. In what setting do you hope readers will use this book? Individually as a devotional or in a small group to promote discussion?
I really hope girls will use these questions individually, then bring them back to a group setting. I envision girls everywhere forming book-study groups that can hang out and encourage each other in their choices. And I’m actually doing an online study on Skype! (It will later be posted on YouTube.) You can find out more info atwww.thebarekanedbook.com, or www.bekahhamrickmartin.com.
- What are some ways parents can get involved without invading their daughter’s privacy or scaring her away?
It’s all about relationship. If you want respect from your daughter, she needs to see that you’re committed to the same things you’re asking of her. If you don’t want her to be involved in risky behavior, you need to find help for healing what’s causing your own risky behaviors. You can find tips for how to do that on my website,www.bekahhamrickmartin.com.
Beyond that, if you’re already setting that example, start with intentionally hanging out with your daughter–no agenda. Go shopping, watch a movie; do things that build relationship. As she trusts you more and more, she will respect your opinion when an opportunity arises to share it.
- Who or what was influential in your decision to save yourself for marriage?
I was raised by parents who loved me and wanted the best for me. Despite that, there were points where I wanted to toss my standards out the window for some immediate gratification. (Especially since I felt my innocence had already been robbed–so why not just have a little fun in a way where I could take charge?)
Ultimately I really believe it was my family’s love through those rough patches that made me want to stick it out and make smart decisions for my future. I’m so glad I had that chance.
- How did you meet your husband?
We met at a youth event when we were 14–I have no recollection of it, but he had a crush on me! When I was 22, we reconnected when I worked at summer camp with his sisters. Pretty soon I noticed this tall swedish-looking guy and that was all it took.
· Do young people today really face different challenges with dating and waiting than their parents or any other generations, or it the ages-old battle mankind has always faced?
It’s the same battle, just more intense. Parents have less time to engage their kids–and it’s not their fault; everything just moves at a faster pace. It’s also easy to turn on MTV or get advice from Seventeen… there are so many sources of information. But like I said before, I think the answer lies in good old fashioned relationship. If you have that with your kids, they’re more likely to respect your opinion and follow it. MORE likely–there are no guarantees.
- In a world that views woman as sexualized objects, how can we teach young girls they’re worth so much more?
Once again, I think it comes back to relationship. It’s not even really how we “teach” young girls, it’s more what they pick up from watching us and spending time with us. My daughter is going to soak up more from watching how I dress–how I interact with men–than how someone on TV does. Do I respect myself? Do I show her that?
- How does pop culture (music, TV, magazines, etc.) affect girls’ mindsets and self-esteem?
I think we have to constantly remind girls about what goes on behind the scenes to make women in magazines look like that. I saw a documentary on modeling once, and it was eye-opening for me. I plan to show it to my daughter when she’s ready; I want her to see that chasing after the perfect body will not fill you up inside–so many of these girls are only considered “good” for one or two photo shoots, then they’re tossed to the curb. I want every girl I talk with to “get” that they are so much more than how their bodies look, although it’s okay to take pride in and take care of that too.
- Can you tell us more about your ministry to teens?
I’ve ministered for the past ten years (through camping ministry, youth groups, & writing & speaking), to kids from so many different backgrounds–all the way from children of prisoners, to kids who are in church every single Sunday. When it comes down to it, these girls face the same issues.
They are all seeking love, attention, and affirmation. And if I can be one voice that shares from the depth of the well Jesus is, it will be worth the vulnerability of sharing the bare naked truth from my own life. It’s my honor to know these intelligent girls, their stories, and to watch them make choices based on the bare naked facts–not scare tactics.
You can find out more about those facts at www.thebarenakedbook.com, or www.bekahhamrickmartin.com.
Girls Are Terrifying {Guest Post by Derek}
As a guy, I have a confession to make. It’s something that all men know, but few will ever admit under the threat of social humiliation:
Girls are terrifying.
Oh sure, they look cute and harmless on the outside, yet they have within them the ability to make grown men sob like babies.
One of the biggest things that motivate us men is the need to be a success. Deep down, our biggest fear is that we’ll be a failure.
I’ve talked to many women who had the same complaint. These days, Christian men are not asking girls out very much, they say.
Part of the reason, I believe, is because when we ask a girl out, we’re putting ourselves in a completely vulnerable position. With a single “no”, a girl can dash our hopes and make us feel like complete failures.
What can girls do to make this process easier on us (and themselves)?
1: Give us signs of encouragement. If we’re spending time with you, especially one on one, it could very well mean that we like you (or have at least thought about it). Sometimes we need a little bit of encouragement. A lingering touch, a smile, or eye contact while we’re talking can go a long way.
2: Be honest. If we do ask you out, and you’re not feeling it, be up front (but gentle). Don’t give us false hope. If you say “Not now, I’m really busy”, we assume that there could be a later. While this could be the truth, in my experience it’s been a way to protect our feelings.
3: Be understanding. When we do decide to ask you out, our hearts are beating fast, and our palms are sweating something fierce. Sometimes we stumble over our words. Sometimes we make lame jokes. Sometimes, we don’t even do ask in person.
I’ll be honest, I’ve asked girls out over Facebook. It can be a convenient way when a guy doesn’t see you often. It can also give him some protection if he’s afraid you’re going to say no. Whatever method he chooses, cut him some slack – it’s hard to be vulnerable.
Guys: What did I miss?
Girls: What advice do you have for us guys when it comes to asking you out?
****
Derek Hanisch’s hero is his Grandpa – a man who was both a Baptist Minister, and a professional clown. If Derek learned anything, it was that you could have a strong faith, and yet still have lots of fun. Derek has taken that lesson to heart. By day, he works with long-term homeless adults with mental illness and drug / alcohol addiction. By night, he writes for the Men of Hope blog, and his own awesome site.
True love is when the dog is vomiting
Every now and then I walk past our wedding photo, and I see my dark tan and shockingly white teeth, and I barely recognize that girl.
Don’t get me wrong. I still take care of myself. But on weeks like this one–when the stomach bug runs through our house faster than a wild mustang stampede–time to sunbathe simultaneously with Advance White Vivid on my teeth is a little less available.
And yet… when my man pokes his head around the door at 5:00 and I’m still in my mismatched socks and snotted on blue jeans, his eyes light up. And he says, “You’re cute.” And all I can do is roll my eyes and wonder,
How deep does this guy’s love run?
True love is when the dog is vomiting, and the peas are on the wall, and the only action in bed that night is the noise of the keyboard going clickety-clackety (working on deadline for a new book idea).
True love is when the car payment’s due,
True love is when you’re trying for a baby,
and the artificial hormones leave you more bloated than a mama sperm whale, and your gums feel like they’ve been injected with Botox, but he still thinks you’re beautiful.True love is pacing the floor at 4 a.m.
with a squalling newborn when the artificial hormones work.True love is forfeiting the motorcycle
for Elmo because your wife has another column to write. True love is taking a four year pay-cut so she can work on her “voice” before even selling a book. True love is never wavering that the book sale will take place.I am blessed to be truly loved.
These are my snapshots of true love… what are yours?
“Reality” TV: The Preachers’ Daughters
I’d like to take a moment to personally thank Lifetime TV for creating a show that met my highest expectations… which were… nothing.And yet I keep watching.
I don’t know if any of you have tuned into the most recent “reality TV” show, The Preachers’ Daughters, in which three girls from three different pastors’ families spend their time making out, sleeping with, and basically playing any boy who breathes. (Can you tell I’m a little fired up?)
The exception is a character named Kolby, who seems very sweet and innocent, but is clearly put on the show to demonstrate the other stereotype: preachers’ kids have never learned to think for themselves, and therefore will make decisions on impulse.
As a former pastors’ kid (or do you ever outgrow that title?), I’d like to say that we’re not all troubled, attention-starved, media-seeking yahoos.
Wait… don’t I have a blog? And a newspaper column? And a book?
I might need to rethink this whole stereotype thing…
But I really should do it publicly, so everyone knows what I’m thinking…
So close…
Y’all! They are here. The advance copies. {Release date is April 23!}
Everybody talks about how the first book is like the first baby. Let me tell ya this: I was in labor one year ago when I wrote it. I’ve been waiting to see this kid ever since.
Speaking has really picked up and I am loving my groups! See the speaker page to schedule with me.
In the meantime… we’re 11 days out, folks!
Mama’s Unstable
I threatened for six months, but no one believed me.
They just gave me that look–the one that says, She’s Unstable Again, But We All Know She’ll Balance Out Before She Does Something Dangerous.
Then Dangerous just kind of happened. In the form of a 60 lb. yellow labrador retriever.
I dared to bring this giant puppy to live with a dog-hater… namely, me. (Hey, the toddler needed a friend, and a sibling is just not in the works.)
I do impulsive things when I’m stressed.
With the book about to release, and a baby who is completely redecorating my house (it only takes ONE red crayon, folks), I thought, Why Not? Why not do one more thing to send me closer to the edge?
Here’s the part where I tell you how I really snapped when he came home, and how he drives me crazy, and how he chews on everything, and how I’m offering him to the next decent person who will give him a good home. But that’s all fiction.
Non-fiction? I got lucky. He is the only puppy in the world who doesn’t chew on furniture, comes when called, goes to bed when commanded, and sleeps at my feet when I need my space.
Now if I could just get the dog to train the toddler, I might not be so unstable after all…
***
Bekah Hamrick Martin is a writer who can be reached atwww.facebook.com/bekahhamrickmartin, unless she’s on her knees begging God for you to buy a copy of her book, The Bare Naked Truth (Zondervan, 2013).
To Her, That’s Everything
She wants to show him something,
the same something she shows him every day.
And yet he doesn’t shrink
from her tiny hand
as it reaches for his finger.
Just one finger,
but this muscular man is lead
by this small fragile child.
He is not just any man.
He is the man who spoke to her
before her ears could hear
The man who listened to her heartbeat
before she knew what it was saying
The man who prayed she would feel loved
before she knew what loves was
The man who longed to hold her in his arms
{and was granted that wish on many a night}
To her,
he is simply the man who does not shrink back
when she reaches out her hand.
And to her…
that is everything.
Have Mercy
Today I’m over at Scribble Chicks, talking about God’s Mercy and our new family member… click here to say hello!
